At this point in my life I don’t really sense that there is one particular thing the Lord is teaching me.  It seems like there is a list of things he might be attempting to reveal to me, but it’s difficult to put my finger on one exact lesson.  I always get kind of jealous of people who appear to have such insight in to what God is doing in their lives in an almost day to day sort of way.  They know why God is doing what he’s been doing and are pretty confident that he’s going to accomplish a good work in them.  I am by no means insulting these kinds of people. I believe most of them are genuine in their expression. I just know that if I try to keep up, I’ll be manufacturing spirituality instead of experiencing it.  However, there are a few things that I have been reflecting on recently that I hope will be an encouragement to others.  . 

 Growing up I’ve always had this complex in which I needed to be the best.  This has driven me to have a lot of success in school, athletics and in church because I was willing to incorporate disciplines within my life that would allow me to excel further than most.  It’s nice to be praised by coaches, teachers and youth pastors, but that has easily become the driving force for achievement in my life.  I don’t mind working hard, but it is ultimately in the hope that I will get recognized for the effort I have put forth. 

 Where this has been most devastating is in my relationship with God.  I want to work hard through the pursuit of justice, evangelism, discipleship, prayer and spiritual disciples so that some day as I stand before my Savior he will say, “Well done good and faithful servant.”  This is not a wrong desire, but this has gone beyond simply wanting to please God to wanting the Lord to praise me for who I am.  This is demonstrated most profoundly as I was reading a textbook for my theology class.  The author was suggesting that the possible reward for the good works we do on earth is the deep, intimate sense of the  presence of God in eternity.  Before I had any chance to realize my actions I felt my heart kind of sink.  For some reason this seemed like a disappointment to me.  Why would the beautiful reward of the eternal presence of Almighty God seem like a letdown?  As I reflected on my reaction I realized what I hoped my reward was going to be.  I hoped that as I came into eternity God was going to bring me before everyone and just talk about how great a life I lived.  We would sit down and just chit chat about how I was so faithful and diligent during my time on earth.  My hope was that eternity would be a time to enhance my glory instead of God’s. 

 Now, to be clear, God does talk in scripture about recognizing our good deeds and actually mentions eternal rewards as a motivation for being faithful in this life.  But when that becomes more important than the honor of the Lord there is a problem.  I was ashamed of my response.  I really valued my praise above a deeper understanding of the Lord.  Why would my desires be so horribly misconstrued?  Through reflection I feel that it is mainly because of where I have placed my worth as a person.  I want to be loved and appreciated and in the past I have sought this through accomplishing things in order to have worth in the eyes of other people.  But my worth lies first and foremost in my identity in Christ!  Because I am his child I am worth being loved.  God has cared so much for me by pursuing me in my rebellion and seeking to reconcile this relationship by paying the penalty for my sin upon the cross.  He initiated this relationship because he  feels I am worth the sacrifice.  I do not need to seek praise for myself because I am already valued as I am. 

 As this truth becomes genuinely pressed upon my heart I know that I will be freed from this need to achieve greatness for myself and instead be motivated to a faithful life in which I can better know the Lord.   We can be encouraged by the fact that God is patient and loving towards us.  He desires to give us a rich and satisfying life that comes only when we submit ourselves fully to his will.  May we remember we have no need to work for praise because our value has been established in God and our good works can now pour out of a heart of gratitude for his generous love.