I was raised in a Christian Reformed home and became passionate about God as I grew older. My sophomore year of high school I started dating a senior in the youth group. He was a strong leader going to college to be a youth pastor. But from the moment this relationship began, my commitment to Christ began to dwindle. I read the Bible and did all those things “central” to the Christian life, but my allegiance to my dating relationship was greater than to Jesus Christ. This is not uncommon among Christians, a huge mistake in my life, and it lead me into exile. Almost four years later I found myself sobbing in the bathroom at Grand Rapids Community College. My relationship that started in high school had ended, and standing in the bathroom stall, I realized I had no idea who I was. Since high school I had ended up at GRCC pursuing a degree in culinary arts. By this time I stopped going to church and segregated myself from God. This experience catapulted me toward the pits of exile.

A week later, my culinary teacher told me he wanted to send me overseas to do my apprenticeship in Scotland, UK. It seemed like perfect timing so I packed up and set out by myself for Scotland for four months. I wish I had more words to describe my experience in Scotland, but I don’t. It was hell. The kitchen is a dark place and so is Scotland, both heavy-laden with debauchery, depression, and drugs. Two weeks after starting my job at the Scotland’s hotel I was taken advantage of and raped by the sous chef of the hotel. I fell into deep, unconscious pain. I buried myself in alcohol, elicit relationships, jogging and some drug use. I felt like my heart was decomposing and dying with every day. By the time I left Scotland I was virtually numb and growing in alcohol dependency. I stopped singing. This was exile. This was my reality: “He has made me dwell in darkness like those long dead. He has walled me in so I cannot escape; he has weighed me down with chains. Even when I call out or cry for help, he shuts out my prayer.” (Lam 3:6-8)

Months later as I sat in church with my parents, I had a real, unexpected encounter with God. I was called out of exile when I heard the words “I love you and I want you.” It was also at this moment that I received a call to worship leading. I told my old youth pastor what had happened and two weeks later he asked me if I would like to be an intern for the high school youth group over the summer. Hesitantly, I accepted. That summer, God used the students from the youth group to bring me out of exile. Although I had to work through a lot of pain and depression from my past, these students blessed me with the love of God and faith in Christ.

My first year at Cornerstone was filled with zeal and passion for God. I began to dig into the discipline of prayer, getting involved in Thrive every week, and experienced God’s faithfulness and nearness to us as a reality. I started singing again. Finally, I realized that my love for singing was a gift and that my call to lead worship was a reality, not bad pizza. If I could say anything as I graduate to encourage those continuing at Cornerstone it would be this: Brothers and sisters, you are free. As you pursue Christ and the Kingdom of God do not let systems, ideals or the comfort of your wealth slow you down. Continue in bold pursuit of Christ-likeness. Sisters, it is OK to wipe off the make –up and get rid of all the shoes; you are beautiful. You are not in bondage to the expectations of this world; live in freedom. Brothers, do not settle for mediocrity, but love vigorously, blessing your enemies. For all this we will suffer as we bear the cross with Christ, but persevere and remember the resurrection is coming.