by Katherine Wisen

I came home Monday afternoon to a picture of repentance.

Kona, my family’s perpetually mischievous 1-year-old puppy, stood at the opening of my bedroom door with guilt written across her face. Her eyes were glossy and lowered, her nose slightly tilted to the ground, her giant ears tucked neatly against her head and, I’m sure if I had looked closer, I would have seen her four-inch legs quivering.

This was not the first time I had seen Kona like this, and I knew it was just a matter of time until I found out what she had destroyed.

But, oh, that face! There was no way I could look at that face — that raw demonstration of remorse — and not melt into a giant mushball.

But what if she hadn’t come to me when I got home? What if I had caught her with garbage between her teeth? Or she had run when she saw me? Would I be eager to forgive then? Or would chasing her throughout the house cause my anger to exponentially increase?

Forgiveness is easy when it’s asked for.

It seems that one of the hardest consequences of sin to accept is the fact that people disappoint. No matter how close the relationship is or how long the friendship has been, any time we put our trust in a fallen creation we are let down.

But this is something we should expect. As Dwayne Adams, associate professor of Bible, recently said to one of his classes, “It shouldn’t surprise us when sinners sin.” Sin is part of our nature, and it affects everything — including our relationships.

So, when a friend commits a sin against you, they repent, you forgive and the relationship is restored. Easy as pie. End of column.

Oh, wait — not everyone asks for forgiveness, and not everyone admits that what they did was wrong.

Then what?

You still have to have the spirit of forgiveness. And this time, the pie ain’t so easy.

This is an area where I’ve really struggled in the past. I get angry, and bitterness sets in. I wonder how the person who sinned against me could continue to act like nothing happened. Doesn’t she know that I know what she did? Doesn’t he realize what he’s done to our friendship? How can she not see that what she did was wrong?

Sin hurts, breaks, ruins and destroys — but sin doesn’t change the fact that we are obligated to forgive. We are not given the choice to show mercy or not. God expects us to show true forgiveness regardless of how the other person responds.

And what is true forgiveness? It’s when you don’t bring up the sin to anyone else, you don’t bring it up to the person who sinned against you — and you don’t bring it up to yourself.

Every time you walk past that person and you dwell on what they’ve done, you haven’t forgiven them. Every time you remind them of how much hurt they caused you, you’ve missed the mark. And every time you let bitterness eat away at you, you’ve allowed their sin to become your sin.

So, how can we successfully forgive those who appear unforgiveable?

First off, pray. This type of forgiveness goes against human nature; therefore, we need to call on the only one we know who inherently has the capacity for this type of forgiveness. God knows we are limited, and He has promised to give us what we need to get the job done if we call on Him (James 1:5).

Second, look to scripture. Research how Christ forgave, and what we have been forgiven of. My good friend, and forgiveness hero, Donna Kamps said, “When you think about what Christ went through on the cross — by choice! — for you, what you’re holding on to seems pretty petty.”

When you look at volume of your own sin and realize the love that Christ showed to you when you weren’t seeking forgiveness, you’ll find a desire to live out Colossians 3:13 and forgive like Christ forgave you.

Want something a little more direct and to the point? Look up Matthew 6:14-15. If that doesn’t motivate you, I don’t know what will.

Third, realize that forgiveness does not always equal trust. Forgiveness does not mean that the relationship is immediately restored to what it once was. There has to be repentance for there to be trust.

But sometimes, the reason they aren’t repentant is because they want to sever the relationship — and that’s something you can’t control. This is where you need to have faith that God does things for a purpose, and that He’s working through the situation in a way you wouldn’t understand even if He explained it to you (Habakkuk 1:5).

Either way, we have to live with a spirit of forgiveness so that, if repentance does happen, we are prepared to work toward restoring the relationship.

Fourth, know that a negative reaction doesn’t do any good. While you dwell on their sin, they’re probably not even thinking about it. Why wait around for an apology may never come? Become angry and bitter, and you’re only hurting yourself. Realize that God will deal with them in His time, and a forgiving heart will cause you to find healing faster.

Today, Kona may wreak havoc on the household again and, this time, those big glossy eyes may be stubborn and cold. But it’s my choice to either become angry and bitter, or to quietly clean up the mess and get on with life.